Writing Prompt Wednesday: Land of Confusion

Land of Confusion

"Tell us about a time when you felt out of place."

I can tell you, not about "a" time, but "THE" time, I was seriously out of place. My freshman year of college. 

My whole life, I had always been a home body. I loved home, I was comfortable at home, I was never itching to get away, even in my teen years. No matter what awkward phases I went through growing up, at the end of the day I was always very true to myself and felt safety and comfort in my home life. I always had the intentions of going to school relatively local, no further than New York City. However, I did apply to one school further upstate, mostly just to appease my mom and a teacher of mine that attended it. I had no real intentions of going there, but I applied "for the heck of it". 

I ended up getting accepted to this school, and their speedy response increased my interest in going, and my mom really urged me to consider attending. Of course, she did not want to get rid of me or force me to go. She just really thought I would enjoy getting away. After a lot of consideration, I actually chose to attend this school. I turned down my initial top school because, hey, maybe getting away was what I needed. After all, I had never been away from home other than week long vacations. 

From the moment I decided to go, there was a feeling of uncertainty and uneasiness. I repressed it, convinced myself I needed the experience of living away from home. As nervous and upset I got over the thought of leaving, I played it off like I was so excited to go away and as if I felt great about my decision. I didn't.

My first semester away in the Fall of 2012, I did manage to make myself feel at home, but the uneasiness was still there. Every time I went home, it upset me so much to see what I was missing out on, what I had left behind. I wouldn't admit to myself that I was homesick, I was in denial. The idea of transferring and "hassling my family" was not the route I wanted to go, so I repressed. I kept telling myself I just still needed to get used to being away. Wrong again. Each weekend I went home and returned to school, the sadness got worse and worse. Especially when I returned to school after being home for a month long Christmas break. By February, for sure, I was depressed. Big time. 

Eventually, I finally admitted it to myself. I don't belong here. I felt like a different person there, and I didn't like that person. Especially with the amount of homesickness and depression I was dealing with, I cut myself off from people, took my anger out on myself and others. That is not who I am. I knew it all along, but once I finally admitted to myself that I was not where I belong, it was ten times clearer. I called my mom, I was nervous at what she would say about the hassle of transferring back home, but she understood. I am so glad I didn't continue to repress the homesickness and sadness.

At that school, I truly was out of place. Once I finally accepted the fact that I wasn't happy, I started to see the monster that the depression made of me. I could not function like myself, I could not smile, I did not want to be social with those around me,  I had a short(er) temper and a nasty attitude, I did not want to go out, I did not want to sporadically dance like a crazy person (!!) That isn't me. That isn't the crazy, energetic, fun loving ME. I felt like a stranger to myself, and that's just how out of place I felt. Despite the struggle, I don't think I would have realized just how wonderful my home is had I not gone away first. Sometimes you've gotta lose it to know what it's worth, and sometimes you've gotta lose yourself to find yourself.

Home is where my heart is <3